Retiring No, Transitioning Yes

Last month, I walked away from my job (yes, the same one that hired me 3 times over the course of 12 years) without a safety net, without a plan, and without something in the pipeline. Sometimes I wonder, “What the hell was I thinking?’  Nothing was wrong with the job—I liked being there and believed I was doing a great job. Still, it was time. Time for what, I don’t know yet, and that uncertainty may not be a bad thing. When people ask, "Did you retire?" I say “No, I’m transitioning”. The word ‘transition’ carries so many meanings. For me, transition simply means moving from one phase of life to another, exploring new possibilities without a set plan. I no longer feel the weight of the job and can no longer use work as an excuse for not taking part in life.  I feel both nervous and untethered at the prospect of not knowing what comes next. Isn’t that the point?  

Which way should I go?

Transition has always been synonymous with women's lives.  As a young girl I watched the movie in 4^th grade about how hormones changes our bodies. In High School, I struggled with the navigation of dating and independence. Moving away in college and living with strangers with different backgrounds I was able to expand my way of thinking. Learning to become a working professional, living from paycheck to paycheck to finding a life partner, co-mingling bank accounts, shared expenses to becoming a wife and mother all required intention.  And finally, going through the 'changes', or as we say here in the south “your own personal summer” and all unspoken things we endure as the last bits of our youth slip away has been nothing short of depressing.  As women, these changes have been transitions in our lives.  We might say "Is this all there is?" as we wrap up our professional careers and this time in our lives. I say “we”, but for me, I’ve always worked towards something far off into the future – the planning and saving until an undefined time in my life.  Well, that time is now.  The question and answer are what you do with that time that counts.

For me, it came down to this… In a short period of time, I lost both of amazing my parents, my beloved aunt, my husband’s kind and generous cousin, my beautiful and trusted Sadie, and three weeks ago my unflappable aunt on my dad’s side. I found myself dealing with waves of sadness and lots of reflection. The weight of each loss became heavier. I reevaluated what truly mattered as we all know how fleeting time can be. Something stirred deep in my soul - a desire to live without regrets and seek fulfillment beyond watching my son live his life, or what I was doing professionally. The gradual shift of my perspective had me question my priorities. While I was thinking about my exit strategy, something at work prompted me to move up the timeline of my departure.  I pushed the eject button and jumped without a parachute. Stepping away wasn’t just about my job, it was about honoring a personal goal and valuing my worth.

No one realizes how much of yourself is thrown into your work, where life at home either suffers or you pay someone else to take care of it for you. When my son was in daycare, I begrudgingly admit, I was one of those moms who gave their child Tylenol to mask a fever just so I could get in a few hours of work before Tylenol wore off.  I cringe at the thought of it now, yet at the time, I did what I felt I had to do.  It was one of those unwinnable decisions where everyone loses just a little bit, except my place of employment.  

I am uncomfortable in saying “I’m retired” because I do enjoy working, being involved in life outside the home and like being a productive member of society, it’s just that I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for the job, any job. I never shared this with my last organization, but, after I first started there, I missed attending my sister’s bridal shower, a once-in-a-lifetime family gathering, all for work a commitment.  At the time, I didn’t think it was right to ask for time off when I was just hired, especially when I had to take off for her wedding. It was painful to let my sister and my family down. At this point in my life, I am finally prioritizing my personal life.

By putting it out there, I hope it makes me accountable and I’ve included a list of rules for me to follow. Hopefully, I will glean some small nuggets of wisdom when I think I messed up my life by following the following:   

1. Working for myself rather than working for someone else– If I so choose.

2. Family Time instead of Staff Meetings

3. Designing a timeline for myself vs. planning around a work calendar

4. Establishing and owning personal goals because I want to.

5. Taking a vacation without approval.

6. Being caregiver to myself instead of taking care of clients, family or friends.

7. After years of careful saving, I can now spend wisely.

8. Making wellness a priority.

9. No longer saying “I can’t because of work” to “Yes, I’d like to do that”.

10. Explore my creative side - through classes, home improvement projects or taking a walk by the river.

My mom used to say that her work was the first time she felt autonomous from her family and her work became her identity.  While I loved being the ‘go-to’ person for a very long time, it became a weight and burden that I no longer wished to carry, which I did, long after office hours and affected my world outside of work.  And really isn’t that what it is all about – to continue to grow as a person even when you no longer have a title after your name?