Deja Vu All Over Again

Have you ever been a part of a full circle moment? History repeating itself, experiencing Déjà vu, when your life has passed before your eyes, reliving a moment, and realizing it is right before you again? It is hard to explain but I experienced something that left me feeling as if history has repeated itself only slightly altered that brought a set of mixed emotions.

History repeated itself was not on my bingo card until something happened at work. Last summer, while at work, I walked into a staff meeting and my grown, adult son was there, sitting in the back row of the theater-like classroom, used for such meetings. Sharing that space, was not a surprise, as he had been a student intern for 2.5 years. During his time at the organization our paths never crossed. I work remotely most of the time, our days never coincided, and I never saw him.

After graduation, he continued to work there for the summer before he moved away to start his next adventure. As I found an empty seat far enough away from him, I felt his eyes at the back of my head. While he may not have looked in my direction, I felt his gaze none the less. It reminded me of the time when he was a toddler, strapped into his car seat, me telling him I knew what he was doing as I had eyes in the back of my head. He believed me, a warning that he couldn’t keep anything from me – that I would know! History has a strange way of reimagining situations.

Having him sit in that room, behind me, peering down to the level below, was a little weird, more than uncomfortable and thought to myself, that this was very much like my own story. While being his mom is one of my greatest accomplishments, having him sit there, felt a little too close for my comfort. Like the secret is out, for him to know a hidden part of me, one he only knew on the periphery, with the stories and anecdotes I shared. This was the part that separated me from my husband, him, and our home life.

As I take stock of my zig-zagging career of job-hopping, hitting the pause button and side stepping the trajectory of my career on more than one occasion, I found myself sitting in this meeting room wondering what my son thought. As my mind raced, I realized a few things – and this one is a biggie. I am at the beginning of the end of my professional life, on the way down, as he was just starting his. When I was 22, I was so naïve, didn’t know what I wanted to do, too afraid to jump out of my comfort zone and as I sat in the staff meeting, I realized my son is none of those things.   

It was the realization that I am closer to the finish line, sooner than I once thought. And because of that jolt of clarity, I was keenly aware that I was not where I once thought I would be professionally speaking. Yet, he was in the room where it happened, the epiphany of my awakening. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, yet I always thought I would have more to list – like writing that novel, making more money, moving up the professional ladder, something other than what I was doing for the last umpteen years.  

Years ago, right after I graduated from college and when I was looking for a job, I ended up taking a temporary position answering phones and provided administrative tasks for an HR Manager at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. My mom got me the job. Sound familiar? At the time, the entire administrative operations were in the same building, and my mother and I carpooled to work and worked in the same building. To this day, I can hear my mother’s voice correcting me when I answered the phone by instructing me to not say “hang on” as I put the call on hold and instead say “May I place you on hold for a moment.”  She also said as she pulled me aside, “I am not ‘Mom’ here, I am Susan.”  She only had to tell me once. A smile came across my face thinking of my smart, ambitious and courageous mom, and wondered if she felt like I did, when she saw me working the switchboard. What’s a switchboard?

One ring-a ding

Life has a funny way of reminding us of and bringing us back to a time when our lives were simpler. Things have settled down since that day of the staff meeting. My son has left his job, moved, started his next adventure, and work is back to normal. The only difference now, is I am Josh’s mom when they refer to me, and is always followed by “she’s Josh’s mom, you know the student who was with us for 2.5 years...” Yeah, I’m that person.